Saturday, June 3, 2023
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    150+ Hilarious Funny Facebook Status Updates!!

    Source: Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

    Funny Facebook Status Updates is a great way to brighten up your profile page and we share the best ideas here.

    150+ Hilarious Funny Facebook Status Updates!!

    If you are looking for Funny Facebook Status Updates then you have landed on the right page.

    This article is all about very funny Facebook status messages that have been written by real people. You will find here all Funniest Facebook Status that have been written by some people who do not know how to write using proper grammar

    Read the full collection of the funny Facebook status updates and tell us what you think.

    facebook status updates

    • I know the world isn’t going to end in 2020 cuz my yogurt expires in 2021!
    • I like to name my iPod ‘Titanic’ so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ i click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.
    • Hello, everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like
    • Is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?
    • I love it when my computer says ” are you sure you want to continue unprotected “
    • Roses are redish, Violets are blueish, if it weren’t for Christmas, we would all be Jewish!
    • When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
    • One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
    • decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!

    facebook

    • I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
    • sometimes, not remembering may be the better.
    • X says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
    • X is color blind and trying to solve a Rubiks cube… This could take a while.
    • X is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house.
    • What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing..
    • slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.
    • wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.
    • X is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
    • People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe I’m moving in circles.
    • Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
    • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
    • WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear.
    • ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95
    • Dear Santa, let me explain…
    • I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty-second lover.
    • My wife said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.
    • If guys had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.
    • Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
    • Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
    • Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
    • Statistically, 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.
    • ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶
    • _̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡
    • if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP
    • scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.
    • ̿̿̿ ̿’ ̿’̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/’̿’̿ ̿ this is a stick-up… give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!
    • Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
    • The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
    • Boys are like baby diapers when they get to be filled with shit they are thrown to be replaced.
    • I’ve yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing.
    • Cut here —————–✄———————-
    • Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.
    • I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
    • People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.
    • Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.
    • Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
    • Best Friends Listen to what you don’t say.
    • Just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF… Best Facebook Friend Forever.
    • So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
    • X thinks that Facebook is the compost heap for my brain.
    • Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.
    • You miss 100 percent of the shots u never take.
    • Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhh its a secret.
    • I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.
    • Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
    • I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh?
    • X thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!
    • Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables, chairs, walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!
    • what has two ears and can’t hear? —————–.> GRANDPA
    • I’m not a racer….But I can fly.
    • press the star below and watch it glow 🙂
    • ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ click star then up arrow to left to reveal status.
    • I think my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.
    • Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
    • X is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course, I like my own comments. I’m awesome.
    • Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
    • I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the weirdest hairdos.
    • X just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
    • X believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
    • ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ
    • Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
    • Oh I’m sorry! I didn’t realize you were giving me a dirty look…I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!
    • wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.
    • X says don’t look at me in that tone of voice.
    • Is anyone going to put anything funny on here?????
    • If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
    • eat eat and eat….but don’t eat my brain.
    • I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
    • a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?
    • ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
    • All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.
    • too cool for school.
    • trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
    • the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
    • –^v–^v–^v–^v-_____^v–^v–^v– For a second there, I was bored to death.
    • definitely not watching what not to wear.
    • forcing my dog to learn how to google.
    • kissing a girl and may or may not be liking it.
    • Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”
    • X is Loading ████████████ 99%
    • Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
    • U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to Life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish can’t Drown.
    • X went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
    • Hi, my name is Damimeve. The ‘mime’ is silent.
    • I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.
    • In an interview, “I can multitask housework with facebook!”
    • X is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>
    • never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
    • a day late and a dollar short.
    • Insert coin to view my status message.
    • If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.
    • We have so much in common. You want to travel, I want you to go.
    • happy that you finally broke up with that slut. Now I can tell you VIA facebook update that I boinked her.
    • seen pictures of you naked on the internet.
    • remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.
    • > $20 in my bank acct. Drinks on you home.
    • 20/20 hearing!

    Boy: So, sex at my place?
    Girl: Yah!
    Boy: OK, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother and he thinks we’re making sandwiches so this is the code. Cheese= Faster. Tomato= Harder.
    Girl: OK?
    ~Later~
    …Girl: CHEESE CHEESE TOMATO CHEESE!
    Brother: Stop making sandwiches! You’re getting mayo all over my bed!

    funny facebook status

    why do we need school???
    music~we have YouTube for that.
    Spanish ~I watch Dora.
    English ~everything is shortened anyway (brb,idk,lol).
    geography~i will buy a globe.
    history~they are all dead anyway.
    math~that is why we have the calculator.
    spelling~we have spell check on the computer.

    • People make the world go around but at some point don’t you wish it were flat so all the idiots would keep walking and never come back?
    • NEVER trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.
    • I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I`m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?”

    “how do you spell gay?”
    “g.a.y?”
    “noooo! j.u.s.t.i.n b.i.e.b.e.r!” (;

    • what’s the difference between puberty & a water bottle? a water bottle hit Justin Bieber first! (;
    • Going to McDonalds for salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
    • Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think …its a Teabag xD
    • Mrs. Bin Laden just updated her Facebook status to single.
    • Sometimes your Knight in shinning armour is just an idiot wrapped in tinfoil.
    • We guys have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see us without an erection, make us a sandwich ! 🙂

    Me and my mom were shopping for new Cd’s and she asked me..
    Mom: honey, Who’s your favorite artist?
    Me: Eminem
    Mom: The candy?
    Me: no the rapper
    Mom: What’s so special good about Candy Wrappers?

    • If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrehea…does that mean one person enjoys it?
    • status: I can’t log into facebook 🙁
    • A bug just landed on my computer screen and my first reaction was on try and scare it away with the curser

    *BLOND GOES TO THE DOCTOR TO FIND OUT IF SHE IS PREGNANT*
    Doctor: your pregnant
    Blond: *smiles* 🙂
    Doctor: your having twins
    Blond: *crys*
    Doctor: is’ant that good?
    Blond: i dont know who the father is for the other baby
    Doctor: LUCKY IM A BRUNETTE !!!!!!!

    • Did you know in Japan girls keep their phones on vibrate and put them down their crotch? Don’t feel bad if they don’t answer. It means they’re busy 😉 All i want to know is, where can i get a number? 😉
    • Your make-up looks so pretty:) lol jk it looks like a crayola raped your face!!!
    • My friends status said, “standing on the edge of a cliff :/”…so i poked him.
    • Have you ever looked at someone and thought to yourself “Dude, that’s the sperm that won???”
    • Sometimes i fill up my blow up doll with helium so its playing hard to get.
    • i know three facts about you, one you can’t say M without your lips touching, two your trying it now and you look like an idiot alien, three now your smiling

    Guy: Did It Hurt?
    Chick: Did What Hurt?
    Guy: When you fell from…
    Chick: Heaven Awww :’)
    Guy: No, when you fell from the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down!!
    Chick: ……….
    Guy: Hahaha BITCH!!

    • Sorry, Ke$ha the party dont stop till I walk in.
    • honk if you love Jesus Textwhile driving if you want to meet him.
    • Last Night I Dreamt I was Eating A Giant Marshmallow……..When I Woke Up My Pillow Was Gone.
    • How much coke has Charlie Sheen done?……………enough to kill 2 1/2 men….
    • I love how justin bieber can hit high notes but not puberty!
    • Roses are red, violets are blue, a face like yours, belongs in the zoo, don’t be mad, i’ll be there, not in the cage, but laughing at you.
    • Relationships are like Tom & Jerry: They tease each other, knock down each other, irritate each other, but can’t live without each other.
    • I WISH i could be a status, so you could LIKE me.
    • I tried to log on to Facebook. It said, “Cookies are required to operate.” I thought to myself, “Me too, Facebook. Me too.”

    facebook

    • A divorced man walks over to his ex-wifes new hubby n asked…so how does it feel enjoying 2nd hand goods?..Doesn’t bother me, he responds..actually once u get past the 1st 3 inches, the rest is all brand new.
    • I wonder what will happen if Steve Jobs dies…. His tombstone may read – iDead…
    • Got into a fight with my alarm clock this morning it wanted me to wake up i disagreed now the alarms broken and im wide awake…not sure who won.
    • I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you.
    • A kid got bad marks in his test, he showed his test to his mom. His mom said ” what is this”? He answered teachers star stickers were finished so she gave me a full moon!!!
    • Please copy and paste this to your status if you know someone, or have been affected by someone who needs a punch in the face. People who need a punch in the face affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for someone who deserves a punch in the face, except for a punch in the face. But we can still raise awareness!
    • One day a chicken crossed the road and met james bond and said whats your name?? ….bond james bond… whats yours??..ken chick ken!
    • Behind every great woman is a man looking at her ass!
    • I’d rather Cry over cuts & stitches. not sluts & bitches !
    • Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself

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    Rohit
    Rohithttps://plus.google.com/u/0/111632604577858837104?rel=author
    Studied Computer science at Kuk Ngo and graduated in 2012.

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    1128 COMMENTS

    1. I was in the middle of writing a song with my sister before a saw this blog she looked at me like I was insane because I jumped out of my seat and went over to my laptop. She then just looked over at me an I was typing and said “Are you writing a comment on a blog that was just posted again,” Ten out of ten.

    2. wow some of you people need to get a sense of humor…. most of this is funny, especially about that little shit Justin Bieber, that kid is a joke, his music SUCKS ASS…. he needs to go to jail for a little while and play with the big boys there, they will put the little shit in his place, LOL…for those of you that probably didn’t find any of these funny, your probably single because you lead a very sad life, you have probably never cracked a smile… this is some funny ass shit….

    3. “What has two ears and can’t hear? Grandpa.” Hahahahaha!!!! I laugh a lot to this joke because i’m thinking of my late grandpa

    4. Good one about the sandwiches.
      CHEESE CHEESE TOMATO CHEESE…..
      STOP YOU’RE GETTING MAYO ALL OVER THE BED 🙂

    5. Another good one I’ve seen: “The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks I’m the only one who can prevent forest fires. I mean, I don’t feel trained for this and I don’t remember even signing up for the position.”

    6. Tell you like the Bathtub told the Toilet stool,I get as much Ass as you,but I dont have to take all of that shit…lol..

    7. Tell you like the Bathtub told the Toilet stool,I get as much ass as you,but I dont have to put up with all of that shit…lol..

    8. Spot on with this write-up, I truly think this site
      needs a lot more attention. I’ll probably be returning to see more, thanks for the info!

    9. The one about the Snickers bar and Justin Bieber isn’t funny. Of course he has a male anatomy, he is a male 🙂

    10. lol,
      lolololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololooololololllololololololololol

    11. A stupid man tells a girl to shut up. A smart man tells a girl she looks preety when her mouth is closed.

      That awkward moment when Pinocchio and Voldemort meet.

      Who ever says words can’t hurt you has never got hit in the face with a dictionary!

    12. Well, the last one was funny. Other than that, they were all immature and you obviously cannot spell for shit.

    13. Brooo’skiii’sss thiss shitt,wasnt even close to funny norr KOOOOO lolololol. Thenn its was like i wasted 10mins reading this lololol ?!??? Justkidding these aree funnyyyy AF like legit lololol-sheila-•

    14.  ☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆ ░░░█▀█░█▀▄░█▀▄░░░░█▀▄▀█░█▀▀░░░█░
      ░░░█▀█░█░█░█░█░░░░█░░░█░█▀░░░░▀░ ░░░█░█░█▄▀░█▄▀░░░░█░░░█░█▄▄░░░▄░
      ☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆

    15. ☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆ ░░░█▀█░█▀▄░█▀▄░░░░█▀▄▀█░█▀▀░░░█░ ░░░█▀█░█░█░█░█░░░░█░░░█░█▀░░░░▀░ ░░░█░█░█▄▀░█▄▀░░░░█░░░█░█▄▄░░░▄░ ☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆

    16. it takes 1 1/2 hour reading all of this!! is soo funny i cant concentrate here doing my job!! hahaha lol!! like dis page!! hehe

    17. so u are the hoe that told the how that i am a hoe well lesson hoe it takes a hoe 2 know a hoe hoe !!

    18. Try putting this on your status if you want your friends to get a laugh.

      Dear Pfizer. Thank you very much for being so concerned that you warn us at the end of every Viagra commercial , but, I have already compiled a list of people I will call if I have an erection that last more than 4 hours, however my Dr. did not make the list!

    19. I had my friends phone the other day, I changed my contact name to GOD. so whenever I called her phone, it said…’GOD is calling’

    20. sometimes late at night, when everyone else is sleeping. I fill my bath with tomato sauce, submerge myself completely, pretending i’m a meatball

    21. I just spent like an hour and a half reading all these.. & my grandma was watching tv & got mad cuz i just HAD to read all them to her during her movieee. haha. 🙂

    22. The cost of a Princess dinner at Disney is the equivalent of an hour in Champagne room. What would you choose?

    23. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

    24. A man asked a fairy to make him desirable and irresistable to all women. So she turned him into a credit card.

    25. a guy walks past his bosses office and heard him say” up and down ohh you fell so good” guy thinks he must do something to stop this so he barges in ready to yell at his boss only to realise  he was playing with his new office chair

    26. some gud…. but soo not the Justin Bieber’s ones… have some respect guys… but he kinda luk gay though but dnt put him down so low… have a heart…

    27. I hate the JUSTIN BIEBER one’s ’cause it’s really mean to US BELIEBER’S it get’s old after while. Make fun of someone you know personally not someone who’s famous and you have never met. I have met Justin and he is the nicest, sweetest and most down to earth guy I have ever met in my life! His family are lucky to have him and so are his friends. I wish I knew him before fame ’cause I would have loved to be his friend. I love Justin Bieber with all my heart and there’s nothing people can say that will change my mind about him. I have loved him since the first YouTube video and will continue to love him forever after his last video (not that, that will EVER happen!!!)

    28. Some are funny but some are kinda offensive. I really don’t like the ones that make fun of Justin Beiber. I don’t really like his music, but it’s mean to make fun of him.

    29. These are really………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………lame -_-

    30. Hello just wanted to give you a quick heads up and let you know a few of the pictures aren’t loading properly. I’m not sure why but I think its a linking issue. I’ve tried it in two different web browsers and both show the same outcome.

    31. These stautsa are good because i put them as my stayts in5 seconds 7 likes wooppwoopp BUZZIN but some and shockingly bad:)

    32. a preist and a buddist are making toast when the priest shouts theres an image of jesus on my toast then the buddist shout i cant belevie its not buddah lol <3

    33. Twinkle Twinkle Little Whore This is School Not Jersey Shore So Take Off All Those Slutty Clothes Dress Like Normal Not Like Hoes …….. I say this all the time at school ……….. and lol I LOVE Jersey Shore

    34. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH yes my fellow peasants i see you have taken somethings from me, im proud to call you all my people. Now wheres my bitch carlos to rub my toes…with ketchup

    35. heheheheheheheh!!!!very fonny ppl!;D i like..very much..
      MARIO::an italian plumer, who was made by japanese people,who speaks english, but look like a mexican>;P

    36. Don’t go down there.
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      ╬═╬I’m telling you- don’t go.
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      ╬═╬Are you listening to me? Don’t!
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      ╬═╬Hellooo… don’t go.
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      ╬═╬You… you don’t go.
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      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬You’re still not listening to me.
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬I can’t talk to you anymore.
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬You listen to me… don’t go down there!
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬Can’t you just listen to me?
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬Okay, you are starting to drive me crazy…
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬ You are!
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬ Are you bored yet?
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬Last chance… don’t go down there.
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
      ╬═╬
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      ╬═╬

    37. why do we need school???
      music~we have YouTube for that.
      Spanish ~i watch Dora.
      English ~everything is shortened anyway (brb,idk,lol).
      geography~i will buy a globe.
      history~they are all dead anyway.
      math~that is why we have the calculator.
      spelling~we have spell check on the computer.

    38. two sisters owned a farm one blonde one brunette
      BRUNETTE: we need to go buy a bull. I will go into town and buy the bull then ill send a telegram so you can come help me bring it back.
      —–so brunette goes into town———-
      BRUNETTE: how much is it to buy the bull?
      BULL LADY: $50 cheapest price you will find
      BRUNETTE: I only have that much but ok
      —–brunette buys the bull———
      BRUNETTE: how much is it to send a telegram?
      SHOP LADY: $5
      BRUNETTE: oh but i dont have any money
      SHOP LADY: ok i will let you send one word for free what do you want to send?
      BRUNETTE: send the word comfortable
      SHOP LADY: Why comfortable?
      BRUNETTE: Because my sisters a blonde and she will read it as come-for-the-bull

    39. Statistics say that 1 in 4 people are insane, so take a look at your 3 best friends and if they are all OK, its you!

    40. lmfao,this joke has stuck with me for years….
      there was once a blond fed up with everyones shit, so she decided to hang herself, the next day two guys saw her hanging by her wrists…
      guys: what r u doing?
      blond:hanging myself
      guys: ur supposed to put it around your neck
      blond: duh i tried that, i couldn’t breath

    41. ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶_̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP

    42. bitches r da reasons y jusstin bieber dosent hit purberdy b/c he suk balls play wit balls but dnt hav dem but wat about his penis do he hav dat or duz he hav a fake PUSSY 2 finger every day wen he goes on tour

    43. You whats funny? Obamas ears ladis think he’s cute ahahah okay, i think he’s not it’s coZ HE’S 50 AND FIT THATS ALL I MEAN HE CAN FUCKING DO IT admite it bitch lol

    44. lol
      very funny
      add those also
      In life, it’s not who you know that’s important, it’s how your wife found out.

      ***
      A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

    45. yo yo yo. best joke evar:

      hey guys i have a cool status i wanna share with u. kk? all you have 2 do is click the see more button. (type in below @seemore and click the first link that pops up. troll ;D0
      blah Losers

    46. ‎9966699999966699999966699966669996699999996699666996699 9966999999996999999996666996699666699666996699666996699 9966699999999999999966666699996666699666996699666996699 9966666999999999999666666669966666699666996699666996699 9966666669999999966666666669966666699666996699666996699 9966666666699996666666666669966666699666996699666996666­ 996666666666996666666666666996666669999999669999…9996699

      1) Highlight The Numbers
      2) Press Ctrl and F
      3) Press 9 & see what’s highlighted (:

    47. Seriously? This message isn’t loading. So you can’t see what I think of all this. Too bad.

      Loading ████████████ 99%………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………Ha! you just wasted 10 seconds of your life just to wait for the words u r reading to load. Wow. ur smart. lol! funny jokes. u still wasted 10 seconds.

    48. a blond nd brunet are wlk nd the brunet says look a dead bird the blond looks up and says where where…smh :/

    49. JUST BECAUSE I LIKE YOUR STATUS DOSE NOT MEAN ITS AN INVATATION TO TLK… IF I WANTED TO TLK ALL NIGHT WITH YOUR CRAZY ASS ID MESSAGE YOU FIRST lol

    50. OMG, I am reading through this page and i just cannot stop laughing! i literally now have stitches on my sides! LOL! 😀

    51. Girls keep saying ‘all men r dogs’
      In reply to them, i keep saying ‘yes, we are. U bitches..!!!’

    52. the other day i wise man said, why are you fat?
      i said you arent very wise if you dont know the answer to that, its obviously because i eat alot.
      wise man says ” oh yeah sorry. “

    53. Boy: Its Over….
      Girl: What?? WTF did i dooo??? It dont matter i already slept with 3 of your friendss!
      Boy: I Was Talking About The Movie.
      Girl: ……….
      Boy: BITCHHHH.

    54. If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence… Your answer should always be, Please don’t hit me again officer…

    55. it was stupid to make jokes about justin bieber..but the rest was funny and maybe steve died after he seen this!(im definetly using some of these on facebook!

    56. I just LOL’d at “iReckon”
      ps. the iDead was quite funny despite the actual passing of Steve Jobs 🙂

    57. K……..myb lyk 5 out all of em wer gud….n sum of the 1’s ppl commentd wer funny….but i dnt thnk they’r ol thtK……..myb lyk 5 out all of em wer gud….n sum of the 1’s ppl commentd wer funny….but i dnt thnk they’r ol thtK……..myb lyk 5 out all of em wer gud….n sum of the 1’s ppl commentd wer funny….but i dnt thnk they’r ol thtK……..myb lyk 5 out all of em wer gud….n sum of the 1’s ppl commentd wer funny….but i dnt thnk they’r ol tht……n wats wit hating sarah…..jealous much……..i bet u dnt cum up wit ur own original stuf coz if u did…y did u cum 2 this website…xoxo

    58. Guys, I thought I would make things a little easier for you. This is the code for the perfect female orgasm:→ ☐✕R2↓▲R1↑◯←.

    59. This perv just asked me if I was “naked and horny”, I told him I was “dressed and menstratng”…Hopefully I got my point across.

    60. dad: money doesnt grow on trees!!
      me: money is made of paper.. paper grows on trees.
      dad: money is made of cotton.
      me: that grows on trees too!!!!!! :/

    61. Facebook, Slagbook, meet just to Shagbook, sneaking about but then ya get caughtbook. Guiltbook, Shamebook, not ya real Namebook, in ya photos ya gorgeous but really yr a Mongbook! Prankbook, Skankbook what a fuckin Crankbook. Its gettin pretty scary cos its turning into Wankbook. Textbook, Sexbook, spying on your Exbook, someone ‘likes’ her photo and ya turn into a Pestbook! Scrapbook, Papbook catch the fuckin Clapbook, grab ya shitty iphone and add the shitty Appbook. Shitebook, Strifebook get a fucking Lifebook! Watch it if ya married cos they’ll nick ya fuckin Wifebook! Creepbook, Peepbook when ya take a Leakbook! Yal even be Facebooking in ya fuckin Sleepbook

    62. ■decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
      ■One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
      ■When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
      ■I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
      ■sometimes, not remembering mey be the better.
      ■X says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
      ■X is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while.
      ■X is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house.
      ■What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing..
      ■slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.
      ■wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.
      ■X is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
      ■People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe i’m moving in circles..
      ■Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
      ■Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
      ■WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear.
      ■║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95
      ■Dear Santa, let me explain…
      ■I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.
      ■My wife said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.
      ■If guys had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.
      ■Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
      ■Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
      ■Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
      ■Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.
      ■٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶
      ■_̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡
      ■if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP
      ■scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.
      ■̿̿̿ ̿’ ̿’̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/’̿’̿ ̿ this is a stick-up… give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!
      ■Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
      ■The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
      ■Boys are like baby diapers when they get to be filled with shit they are thrown to be replaced.
      ■i’ve yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing.
      ■Cut here —————–✄———————-
      ■Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.
      ■I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
      ■People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.
      ■Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.
      ■Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
      ■Best Friends Listen to what you dont say.
      ■Just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF… Best Facebook Friend Forever..
      ■So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
      ■X thinks that Facebook is the compost heap for my brain.
      ■Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.
      ■You miss 100 percent of the shots u never take.
      ■Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
      ■I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.
      ■Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
      ■I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh?
      ■X thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!
      ■Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!
      ■what has two ears and cant hear? —————–.> GRANDPA
      ■I’m not a racer….But i can fly.
      ■press the star below and watch it glow
      ■▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ click star then up arrow to left to reveal status.
      ■I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.
      ■Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
      ■X is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome..
      ■Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
      ■I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.
      ■X just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
      ■X believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
      ■¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ
      ■Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
      ■oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!
      ■wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.
      ■X says don’t look at me in that tone of voice.
      ■Is anyone going to put anything funny on here?????
      ■If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
      ■eat eat and eat….but don’t eat my brain.
      ■I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
      ■a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?
      ■ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
      ■All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.
      ■too cool for school.
      ■trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
      ■the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
      ■–^v–^v–^v–^v-_____^v–^v–^v– For a second there, I was bored to death.
      ■definitely not watching what not to wear.
      ■forcing my dog to learn how to google.
      ■kissing a girl and may or may not be liking it.
      ■Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”
      ■X is Loading ████████████ 99%
      ■Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
      ■U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown.
      ■X went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
      ■Hi, my name is Damimeve. The ‘mime’ is silent.
      ■I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.
      ■In an interview, “I can multitask housework with facebook!”
      ■X is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>
      ■never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
      ■a day late and a dollar short.
      ■Insert coin to view my status message.
      ■If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.
      ■We have so much in common. You want to travel,I want you to go .
      ■happy that you finally broke up with that slut. Now I can tell you VIA facebook update that I boinked her.
      ■seen pictures of you naked on the internet.
      ■remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.
      ■> $20 in my bank acct. Drinks on you home.
      ■20/20 hearing!
      hahhhHAHAHAHHAHAHhhahahahhahahahahHahhahahahahhahaHHkhahaHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHHhhahahahhahahahahah 😀 bet nobodys ever did that 😉

    63. i got one:

      “Don’t hate me cuz’ i’m beautiful ! ”
      -Keri Hilson
      “I hate you cuz’ I’m beautiful ! ”
      -Me @ Keri ! & You! ;P

    64. If you have a facebook, and you’re online right now… you may rape my ‘like’ button now!

    65. ayee 12345,, Im 15 to and i think some are pretty funny. Your prolly a lil bitch who thinks your cooler than everyone.

    66. Sarah… All witty people get their stuff from this website… oh wait, no they don’t, they’re actually funny not just fools who regurgitate stuff.

    67. A native can only read this if a chicken can read while eating the corn and chomping the bread of Jesus while readin everything I said to the one who made no sense and the at chick who likes skinny kids and the skinny kid who wants a piece of food and talks to a dead man but doesn’t know hes actually dead…. Words of our lord amen

    68. HERES ONE 🙂
      Call me a b****
      Well a b**** is a dog,
      dogs bark,
      bark is on trees,
      trees are part of nature,
      and nature is beautiful..
      So thanks for the compliment!